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Sarah Huckabee Sanders replacement disqualified for telling the truth during interview

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A leading candidate to replace the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, was disqualified after telling the truth repeatedly on his job application, the White House has confirmed.

According to the White House chief of staff, Mick Mulvaney, the candidate got high marks in his job interview by demonstrating “utter disregard and contempt for press freedoms.”

“We then had him do a practice press briefing in which he was relentlessly abusive, obnoxious, and insulting,” Mulvaney said. “We were all, like, ‘This is our guy.’ ”

But after a thorough examination of the candidate’s job application, “a troubling series of truthhoods emerged,” Mulvaney said.

“It turned out that he was telling the truth about his education and previous employment,” the chief of staff said. “It was a pattern of honesty that we found deeply disturbing.”

Mulvaney said that the “inexcusably veracious” answers had eliminated the candidate from further consideration. “We all feel like we just dodged a bullet,” he said. “This whole episode just demonstrates how tough it is to replace Sarah Huckabee Sanders.”

Trump warns China not to underestimate his willingness to sacrifice the well-being of Americans

WASHINGTON—Stating that he would be sticking to his guns regardless of the consequences, President Trump warned China in a White House press briefing Thursday that its leaders should not underestimate his willingness to sacrifice the well-being of every single person in the United States:

If you think for one second I’m about to back down on this trade war, you’ve clearly failed to grasp my complete indifference toward the entire population of my country,”

The president affirmed his unwavering commitment to letting the price of consumer goods rise, even if it meant a certain number of American families might struggle to make ends meet or be forced to go hungry.

I’m not about to lose a fight just because we have a bunch of farmers who depend on Chinese markets and workers who will lose their jobs if factories can’t get Chinese raw materials. Believe me, I can tolerate a tremendous amount of their pain.”

Trump went on to state that most Americans are “great patriots” and willing to suffer so that he can get anything wants.

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