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Borowitz Report - New Yorker Magazine

Trump Furious at Iran for Distracting People from Impeachment for Only Two Days

Trump said that he was unlikely to attack Iran again “if this is the thanks I get,” and wondered if attacking a different country might have resulted in a more substantial distraction from his impeachment.

“Should I have attacked North Korea?” he said. “Frankly, I don’t know who to trust anymore.”

TRUMP Named 2019 Person Of The Year By “Popular Sociopath” Magazine

 WASHINGTON - For the third year in a row, Donald J. Trump has been named Person of the Year by the magazine Popular Sociopath, the publication announced on Thursday.

“Once a year, we at Popular Sociopath recognize the person who best epitomizes sociopathic-personality disorder, which manifests in antisocial behavior and a total absence of conscience and concern for others,” Harland Dorrinson, the magazine’s editor, said. “We are delighted to bestow this honor, once again, on Donald J. Trump.”


Devin Nunes Accuses Impeachment Witnesses of Misleading American People with Facts

WASHINGTON —In what some observers called his most sarcastic opening statement of the impeachment inquiry, Representative Devin Nunes, on Thursday, accused witnesses of trying to mislead the American people with facts.

“From the beginning of these proceedings, the Democrats’ witnesses have offered facts, more facts, and nothing but facts,” Nunes said. “I, for one, have had enough of their factual games.”

Ramping up his attack, he accused the civil servants who have testified of having “an almost cult-like worship of verifiable information.”

Bloomberg Offers Trump Ten Billion Dollars to Leave White House by End of Day

NEW YORK - The former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg upended the 2020 Presidential race on Friday by offering Donald J. Trump ten billion dollars to leave the White House by the end of the day.

“I will deposit ten billion dollars into your account in Moscow, Riyadh, or wherever you do your banking these days,” Bloomberg announced. “All you have to do is go.”

In addition to the ten-billion-dollar offer, Bloomberg told Trump that he would cover the moving expenses of Ivanka Trump, Jared Kushner, Kellyanne Conway, and any other associates “that you haven’t already gotten rid of.”

On Capitol Hill, congressional Democrats expressed sadness that Bloomberg’s offer, if successful, would eliminate the need for impeachment, which many of them had been looking forward to.

But Representative Adam Schiff of California struck a more philosophical note. “If ten billion dollars gets rid of Donald Trump, that’s a quid pro quo I’m okay with,” he said.

Trump Accuses Whistle-Blower of Working for United States

WASHINGTON - Escalating his war of words against the person who sparked the impeachment inquiry, Donald J. Trump on Monday accused the whistle-blower of working for the United States of America.

Speaking to reporters at the White House, Trump said that he had evidence “directly linking” the whistle-blower to the United States government.

“This is the biggest witch hunt in the history of witches or hunts, and it was all started by someone who was in the pay of the United States,” Trump said. “It’s a disgrace.”

Expanding his attack, Trump accused his principal congressional nemeses, Representative Adam Schiff and Representative Nancy Pelosi, of being “card-carrying employees of the United States.”

“Follow the money,” he said. “Shifty Adam Schiff is cashing United States government checks every single week.”

Trump said that he was confident that his supporters would “see the impeachment inquiry for what it is: a conspiracy by people working on behalf of a country.”

“What it comes down to is, who are you going to trust, somebody who is working for the United States, or me?” he asked.

Trump Offers Freed Syrian ISIS Fighters a Group Rate at Trump Doral Resort

WASHINGTON - Calling it a “once-in-a-lifetime incredible deal,” Donald Trump on Friday offered recently-escaped ISIS fighters in Syria a group rate at the Trump National Doral Miami.

“I am giving ISIS a group rate that entitles them to the full run of the golf course, the spa, you name it,” he said. “This is going to make the ISIS people very, very happy.”

The fighters can qualify for the group rate by presenting proof of ISIS membership and their recently freed status, Trump said.

Trump declined to say whether he would extend the same group rate to Kurdish fighters in Syria. “I’m not a fan of the Kurds,” he said. “Where were the Kurds in 1776 when George Washington took control of the British airports?”

Shortly after Trump made the offer to ISIS, however, the group’s leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, issued a lukewarm response.

“We’ve read some not-so-great things about the Doral on TripAdvisor,” Baghdadi said. “If we wanted to go to a golf resort, we’d pick one that doesn’t have bedbugs.”

Trump says if a new Civil War breaks out in the US, he will be contacting his podiatrist again for a deferment letter

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Shortly after tweeting that his impeachment could result in a civil war, Donald J. Trump clarified that, in the event of such a war, he would seek a new note from his podiatrist.

Trump issued the clarification after military advisers cautioned him that, after starting a civil war, he might reasonably be expected to participate in it.

Speaking to reporters on the White House lawn, Trump said, “Much as I would like to fight in a civil war, my very serious foot condition would keep me from doing that.”

Trump said that, although every other part of him was “extremely young and vibrant,” his feet “are in no condition to fight.”

He added, however, that the country should “think very carefully” before engaging in a civil war. “It would be very sad for the United States to have a civil war for the first time in its history,” he said.

Trump’s Son Eric Accuses brother Don Jr. of Being the Whistleblower!

WASHINGTON: In what insiders are calling an audacious move to get his older brother cut out of their father’s will, Eric Trump has accused Donald Trump, Jr., of being the whistle-blower.

According to White House sources, Eric marched into the Oval Office on Wednesday morning and announced to his father, “You can stop wondering who this quote-unquote whistle-blower is. It’s Don.”

Reportedly, no sooner had the young Trump made the startling accusation than Don, Jr., himself burst into the room, turning the tables on his sibling by claiming that Eric, and not he, was the actual whistle-blower.

Within seconds, the Trump brothers were viciously wrestling on the Oval Office carpet, while their father looked on, seemingly pleased by the spectacle.

Later in the day, the White House press secretary, Stephanie Grisham, issued a statement in the hopes of defusing this latest controversy. “A forensic analysis of the whistle-blower’s complaint reveals that it was written entirely in complete sentences, thus eliminating both Trump boys as its author,” she said.

Trump Demands Facebook Investigate Why Obama Gets So Many Likes

WASHINGTON - A furious Donald J. Trump has demanded that Facebook investigate why a status update posted by former President Barack Obama on Monday has received so many more "likes" than Trump.

Speaking to reporters on Wednesday morning, Trump said that the more than eight hundred and fifty thousand likes that Obama’s post had garnered as of Tuesday night were “phony,” "fake likes" and called the seeming popularity of the post a “rigged hoax.”

“There is absolutely no way that eight hundred and fifty thousand people liked Obama’s post,” Trump said. “I know everyone in America and absolutely none of them like Obama.”

Trump said that, in addition to investigating Obama’s likes, he was demanding that Facebook remove several hundred thousand of Obama’s likes and “give them to me instead.”

Calling the former President’s Facebook post “as long and boring as a good book,” Trump slammed Obama for being “terrible at social media, which is the single most important part of a President’s job.”

“In that post he uses words like ‘motivations,’ ‘proliferate,’ and ‘unequivocally,’ ” Trump said. “How could over eight hundred thousand people like a post full of words that no one has ever heard of?”

Study Discovers Strong Link Between Gun Violence and Cowardly Politicians

MINNEAPOLIS - There is a “significant link” between gun violence and cowardly politicians, a new study from the University of Minnesota asserts.

The study, which is raising eyebrows with its startling conclusions, finds that the most reliable predictor of gun violence is the “prevalence of quiveringly fearful politicians in positions of power.”

As part of the study’s methodology, researchers examining gun violence compared countries ruled by non-cowards with those ruled by gutless toadies.

“In countries ruled by non-cowards, such as New Zealand, gun violence is virtually nonexistent,” the study claims.

While the study’s authors paint a bleak picture of nations with “coward-rich” leadership, they offer a recommendation to remedy this dire state of affairs.

“While censoring movies or video games would have no measurable effect on gun violence, major strides can be made by replacing cowards in government with non-cowards,” the study suggests, noting that this theory could be tested as early as 2020.

Trump Orders Pence to Find Biblical Passage to Justify Asking Some US Citizens to Get Out of Their America

WASHINGTON - Hoping to bolster the core message of his 2020 campaign, Donald J. Trump ordered Mike Pence to locate a passage in the Bible where Jesus tells people “to get the hell out of here,” White House sources confirmed on Monday.

According to reliable sources, Trump summoned Pence to the Oval Office and commanded him to find “somewhere in the Bible” where Jesus “tells people that they don’t belong here and they should go back to the “shitholes” they came from.

Pence, startled by the request, asked Trump if he meant the time when Jesus expelled money changers from the Temple, but Trump shook his head angrily. “No, not that. I don’t want to piss off Deutsche Bank,” he said. “I want something where Jesus tells the poor and the meek or whatever to go back to the rat infested places they came from.”

After a confused Pence said that he would “see what I can find,” Trump reportedly demanded that the Vice-President also locate a passage where Jesus calls journalists and gays “the lowest form of life” known to rich people.

British PM cannot find new US ambassador who doesn't think Trump is a fool

Following the resignation of its Ambassador to the United States, Kim Darroch, the government of the United Kingdom has disclosed that it has been unable to find a replacement for Darroch who does not also think that Donald J. Trump is a blithering idiot.

At a press conference at 10 Downing Street, the British Prime Minister, Theresa May, revealed that the search for a new ambassador who does not believe that Trump is an imbecile has thus far come up empty.

“We did not want a repeat of the unfortunate Kim Darroch incident, so we made the first question on the job application, ‘Do you think Donald Trump is a moron?’ ” May said. “So far, none of the applicants has checked the ‘no’ box.”

May acknowledged that the government might have to expand its search for applicants beyond those with diplomatic experience in order to find a replacement for Darroch who does not consider Trump a dolt.

“We will search high and low until we find someone in this country who doesn’t think Donald Trump is a nitwit,” she said. “We’re starting by interviewing people who don’t think Boris Johnson is a nitwit.”

While affirming her government’s determination to find someone in the U.K. who does not think Trump is an unmitigated bonehead, May warned that the difficulty of the task must not be underestimated. “This is turning out to be harder than Brexit,” she said.

Trump warns China not to underestimate his willingness to sacrifice the well-being of Americans

WASHINGTON—Stating that he would be sticking to his guns regardless of the consequences, President Trump warned China in a White House press briefing Thursday that its leaders should not underestimate his willingness to sacrifice the well-being of every single person in the United States:

If you think for one second I’m about to back down on this trade war, you’ve clearly failed to grasp my complete indifference toward the entire population of my country,”

The president affirmed his unwavering commitment to letting the price of consumer goods rise, even if it meant a certain number of American families might struggle to make ends meet or be forced to go hungry.

I’m not about to lose a fight just because we have a bunch of farmers who depend on Chinese markets and workers who will lose their jobs if factories can’t get Chinese raw materials. Believe me, I can tolerate a tremendous amount of their pain.”

Trump went on to state that most Americans are “great patriots” and willing to suffer so that he can get anything wants.

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